Happy Valentine's Day. Your carrier loves you. They sent you a SPIFF to prove it.

I got the same email. Let's read it together. I'll bring the wine.

The SPIFF runs for 21 days. New logos only. Customer has to commit to a 36-month term. The product set is limited to three SKUs that your SE has never actually demo'd in a live environment. Payout is 60 days after install — and if you've ever waited for a carrier provisioning team to finish anything in under 90 days, I'd love to meet you, because you might be a wizard.

Oh, and there's a cap. First 50 deals. Across the entire region. So realistically, the five partners who already had pipeline in motion are going to sweep it before you finish reading the terms and conditions. You'll get a "SPIFF fully allocated" email sometime in March. They'll thank you for participating. You'll delete it while standing in line at Starbucks and feel nothing, because you've done this before.

Here's the thing nobody says out loud: that SPIFF was never designed for you to earn money. It was designed for the channel marketing team to put "Q1 Partner Activation Program" on a slide in their QBR. They need the email to exist. They need the open rates to report. Whether anyone actually closes a deal off it is beside the point. It's a prop.

I've done this for long enough that I can spot a real SPIFF from a fake one in about ten seconds. Real SPIFFs have realistic timelines. They apply to products you're already selling. They don't cap out before most partners can blink. If a SPIFF requires you to do something you weren't already doing, on a timeline that doesn't match a real sales cycle, it's not an incentive. It's a newsletter.

My rule is simple: if the SPIFF expires before I could realistically close a deal from scratch, it wasn't meant for me. It was meant for a spreadsheet. Delete the email. Go work your pipeline. Your pipeline loves you back.

Got a SPIFF story? The dumber the better. Send it to me. I'll roast it in next month's Burn Report. Names changed to protect the guilty — and honestly, to protect you, because we both know your channel manager reads this too. He just won't admit it.